mysteryoriley

Finally, a let down, like when I was a new mother waiting for my milk to come in.  But, not that.  

I haven’t been sick since before Owen died.  Except for that time last year when I was poisoned by an over-chlorinated hot tub when Dave and I were on a short vacation.  (Oy, that was a miserable three weeks.)  I’m sick now.  I’m staying horizontal, to allow myself to heal.  Just a flu-like thing, a head cold with that aching-all-over-headache-must-lay-down feeling.  Odd, foreign, and strangely familiar.  Sitting up for too long is much like that effort I remember from when Nat and Owen were little kids and I’d gotten a cold that made me want to stay in bed for days but couldn’t.  I have a cold, my stomach is sour, my head hurts, and you’re waiting at the front door for me to drive you to school.  ”I’ll be there in a minute, guys.  I just have to brush my teeth, and stretch these jeans over my ass.  I’ll be there, no really, I’ll be there in a minute.”

Dave and I had a wonderful weekend in San Francisco for my birthday.  I just turned 54, and more than double that, when I think about it – in terms of life experience.  How did that happen?  Huh.  It did.  Figure it out, girl.

I left work early today, couldn’t keep my head up.  When I got home, I logged on to my work email, answered a couple of messages and fell asleep.  When I woke, I mapped out my work for tomorrow.  I have an L-1 visa to process for a guy relocating from the UK to the states.  I think I can handle that.  What else?  

Well, those other things I have to manage tomorrow will be dealt with in due time.  Right now, at a late hour on a Monday night, I’m considering how Led Zeppelin’s Communication Breakdown can contribute to my tomorrow.  How?  Because most of them will probably drive me insane.  And, you know? that’s really okay.  That’s what I do.  I handle things that would make most people insane.  I’m gifted in this job, because those things may drive me insane…but I don’t stay there.  AGAIN, I’m lucky.

I have my pals here with me: Elton John, Phil Collins, Radiohead, Dead Can Dance, Carolina Liar, Beatles, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, k.d.Lang, Rolling Stones, Alanis Morisette, Hoobastank, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, Mamas and Papas, and so many more…all of whom carry me into the future.  I consider who they are were/are, and I’m whole if I just do this exercise – bring my family and friends with me.  The night is long and the journey is dark, but the sun will shine tomorrow – and we’ll all still be here – here in this place I call home – my head, my heart.

When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, I think of things that may have been Owen’s thoughts in his last days.  I can only guess that he didn’t know he was going to die so soon, but he was always prepared – just in case.  Tonight’s song always comes up, because, well, who wouldn’t think of their own videotape showing on the big screen of god’s TV while waiting at the pearly gates in hopes of gaining entrance into the kingdom of goodness and light?  I cry every time I hear this song, but I also smile  - because I figure Owen’s videotape is much more worthy than mine, I suppose.  

Song for the night:  Videotape, Radiohead (…this is one for the good ol’ days…)  I’ve probably downloaded this video before, and that’s okay.  It works tonight.  (…no matter what happens now, I won’t be afraid, because I know today has been the most perfect day I’ve ever seen…)  And, from my perspective as Owen’s mother, I will always ask,”why weren’t there more days, Buddy, why weren’t there a thousand more perfect days?”  But, get ready…Communication Breakdown is coming.  It plays in my head all day, so surely, it will show up here soon.

~ by Linda on March 9, 2009.

Posted in child loss, children, death, family, grief, learning, Life, mothering, mystery, writing
Tags: child loss, David Tegnell, death, Emmitt Owen Riley, grief, Lea Kelley, Linda Siniard, missing persons, music, mystery, Nat Riley, Owen Riley, Radiohead, Videotape